Three Ways to Build Your Best Relationship Ever. [With Yourself!]

It was the end of January 2019, six weeks before COVID lockdown, and I was really, really sick. I got home from two weeks of running back and forth between Boston and Vermont (where my partner Thomas lived at the time), I'd just launched my first ever coaching program, I was working with a new business coach and performing full-time, and my body just could not.

I have not done well with being sick. I don't even have to say (but I'm gonna) that not a single one of us enjoys being sick. It sucks. But then there are those of us who keep ourselves so busy that when we can't do anything, lots of shit comes up - and that really sucks.

I felt depressed. I ached not just physically, but emotionally. I found myself on the floor, sobbing, so deep into my mind I'd almost forgotten where I was, almost lost the present moment.

I heard, "Don't give up. Don't give up."

From there, the words wrote themselves. My song "Here For You" poured out of me, starting with the words,

"There will be moments of doubt, pain you shout from the top of your lungs. Can't get out of the fire that burns from your gut. You're not sure, on the floor saying just give up, just give up."

As I wrote this song, I saw and felt all of me, every part, every piece. I felt those moments of doubt, of pain. I felt the nostalgic memories that have hurt so deeply and the ones that have kept me going. I sang to myself, "I will show you who you are, take your hand and lift you up and guide you home."

I felt so overwhelmed with these words, sung in a voice barely there from a sore throat and congestion. In this space of unwell, I found myself. I opened myself to the idea I learn and teach over and over and over again: ​

Connection with every part of us is what leads to inner peace.

Here are three ways to build that connection with yourself:

The cause of disconnect is often anger or frustration with ourselves. When we come from that space, we find ourselves in that internal battle that keeps us from feeling connected, aligned, and holding inner peace.

Every part of us is protecting us; that’s what we’re designed to do. It’s just that many of our parts have different ways of handling our situations - and that’s where misunderstanding comes in.

To find that understanding, we need to get to know our parts better, to find out why they did what they did.

Try asking:
“Why do you feel that way?”
“What do you need?”
“What are you protecting/trying to protect?”

And give the space for them to answer. See if you can lessen any sense of judgment and keep an open mind.

You can even let your parts know, “Thank you for protecting me.” Let them know it’s safe to communicate with you, and also let them know, “I’m going to take the driver’s seat from here.”

Parts always have a reason. It’s just to us to find it so we can send those parts love and forgiveness and come back to alignment.

Learning our parts is a lot of work. We live eventful lives, and we don't want the work of learning our parts to overwhelm our day-to-day.

That’s why it’s important to intentionally set aside time for connection. Everyday, set aside 30 minutes to connect with yourself and give your parts space to speak. Ways I like to connect are:

• Journaling/Writing
• Meditation (I generally do 5 minutes/day using Calm)
• Movement (Stretching, dancing, yoga)
• Affirmations and sitting with my vision board
• Tarot (this is my favorite deck)
• Crying

I love crying. It’s actually my favorite option on the list! When my parts are feeling overwhelmed and I cry, I know I’m releasing whatever they’ve been carrying.

I recommend 30 minutes of self-connection, but even 2 minutes on the busy days makes a difference. On my busiest days, I’ll do 2-minute meditation, or journal “I love you” a few times, run through my affirmations while I’m driving, or talk to myself aloud in the mirror for a few minutes.

No, not the swears. (I do a decent amount of that, fyi.) A lot can come up when you’re making space for your feelings, and that can feel overwhelming. The words you use can help lessen any sense of overwhelm that might arise.

Try these:

1. “I feel” instead of “I am.” This allows you to separate from your feelings; they’re no longer a fact, just a temporary experience.
2. When you say an “I am” statement, come back in with that curiosity by asking, “Does that have to be true?”
3. Keep an eye on words like, “should.” When we say we “should” have done something, we’re placing shame on ourselves for having made a different choice.

By catching our language and realizing we can change it, we see more and more that we get to choose the story we’re writing.

Ultimately, there will be “moments of doubt, pain you shout from the top of your lungs.” This process allows you to find ease in those moments and come back to yourself so you can be here for you, connect with yourself, release the inner battle, and live the absolute life of your wildest dreams.

What are your favorite ways to connect with yourself? Post a story of your favorite self-connection vibe over on Instagram and tag me @wearegoldenstars!